Send in the Clams

a parody of Send in the Clowns, by Stephen Sondheim
sung by a disgruntled diner

Send in the Clams

Isn’t it quiche?
What’s this—a pear?
I ordered Chateaubriand,
Medium rare.
Send in the clams.

Something’s amiss.
I don’t approve.
How can I put in my mouth
These things that move?
And where are the clams?
Send in the clams.

You brought me beer
From foreign shores,
Actually knowing the one that I wanted was Coors.
I ordered dinner tonight,
The usual fare.
You lost my clams,
And don’t seem to care.

Don’t you like tips?
Or can’t you hear?
You thought that I’d eat what you’d eat?
Sorry, my dear.
Send in the clams.
There ought to be clams.
Well, maybe next year.

Isn’t it quiche?
Isn’t it queer?
Losing my appetite for
Dinner, I fear.
And where are the clams?
Quick, send in the clams.
Oh, don’t bother—they’re here.


  1. D Farrar says:

    Losing my appetite now
    Where’s your cashier?

    • wpadmin says:

      Hah! I’ve definitely performed it both ways. I wrote it so long ago that I don’t remember which was first (where’s your cashier vs. dinner I fear). Amazing that anyone knows this. I’ll have to check what I sang in the only recording I ever made of it. Probably it was the “cashier” line and maybevyou heard that recording somehow?

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